Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Riddick Facts

Welcome to the first installment of 'Riddick Facts'. This is a parody of all the Chuck Norris Facts sites that can be found on the internet. Sure, the Chronicles of Riddick may be a B-list movie, but it is an enjoyable action flick. I do not consider myself especially masculine, nor do I value masculinity very highly, which is why I often find Riddick's uber-machismo laughable. That's why I decided to make this list. Now some readers may wonder why I like The Chronicles of Riddick, whose antagonists are an army of religious crusaders, when I despise the Ori of Stargate. The main reason is that The Chronicles don't come off nearly as preachy as Stargate. The Necromongers religion is really just a plot device, as opposed to a blatant and shallow social commentary. There isn't really a message in Riddick. Also, everything about the religion of Origin is a parody of Christianity, whereas the Necromongers are much more original and interesting. Anyway, please enjoy my first ten Riddick Facts:

1. The Fremen revere Riddick because he can take out an entire legion of Harkonnens without breaking a sweat.

2. Big Brother has no room 101 for Riddick, for he fears nothing.

3. The Second Law of Robotics actually supersedes The First Law if the robot receives the Order from Riddick.

4. On the Bald Badass scale, 1 Riddick is equal to 47 giga - Picards.

5. How Many Jedi would it take to kill Riddick? Answer: Riddick would just kill the first Jedi that came at him and take his lightsabre, and Riddick with a lightsabre would be unstoppable.

6. Riddick can smell one drop of menstrual fluid from up to 29.4 kilometres.

7. Riddick doesn’t need FTL drive; When he orders space to warp itself, it obeys. Same goes for Time Travel.

8. Riddick could put a Cylon skinjob to such a horrible death that when it resurrected it would be so traumatized, it would be as good as dead.

9. Riddick’s bass voice is so amazing that he would steal the show from anyone in Repo: the Genetic Opera or Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog.

10. Finally, if Riddick fought Dr. Manhattan, Riddick would win. He just would.

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